


across time, across words, across oceans

by harajukucrepes



Series: memories of another city [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Allusions to mental illness (only not really), Allusions to real world homophobia, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, I forgot to say pretty heavily angst-ridden but you might have figured out from the previous tags, M/M, Non explicit sexual activities, Rambly Prose, Set in Japan so there's buttloads of references to Japan, They kiss a lot in this one, This fic is too long for its own good, Yuta is permanently gushing over Sicheng, allusions to sexual activities, profanities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harajukucrepes/pseuds/harajukucrepes
Summary: Sicheng didn’t just change Yuta’s life—he came and flew him off into a vacuum and Yuta sometimes struggles to remember that he once contemplated a different kind of life once he’s done chasing his Koshien dream here in Tokyo: a baseball coach by day and an owner of a takoyaki place by night, marrying a wholesome Osakan girl (a teacher would be great, for example) and having a baby or two (girl first, maybe a boy later). But in this current life he’s still trying to make it into the Yomiuri Giants regular team in Tokyo and living with a boy in his tiny little apartment.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> \- the tag says "magical realism" but the "magic" only comes in around like in the last few thousand words or something  
> \- I actually wrote this fic in one go but it got too long so I split it into 3  
> \- I didn't intend my first nct fic to be the longest thing I've written in like 7 years but whelp here I am. blame dsc, his pretty face ruins lives  
> \- this fic is actually a two-parter and this is the first part, the next part hasn't been written yet, but it will be about Sicheng's pov, and I actually wrote this whole 16k worth of fic just so that I could write that part so regardless of readership / kudos count I'm going to post it  
> \- any mistakes / criticisms feel free to tell me! I'm receptive and want to improve  
> \- recommended listening: Oshio Kotaro's [Doukyuusei](https://open.spotify.com/track/3IMqxTvV8r03H41wzNqHoA?si=6-jxGDozSB6iv8hpk0yYtw) or [0 mile piano version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTwAM2Oa62U) by ung_di  
> \- sections headed by * represents the present, sections headed by ⧪ are the flashbacks, both are in chronological order  
> \- the chinese / japanese sentences are here for a purpose, because i needed to portray language barrier, so it wasn't because i was trying to be ~edgy~ orz

*

across time, across words, across oceans

*

The dawn greets Yuta softly. The sun seems to be reluctantly peeking out from the cloud, like it’s trying to not abruptly wake Sicheng up.

Look at you, Yuta thinks as he takes a quick glance at the boy sleeping beside him, look at how the universe revolves around you. Look at the way it lets you glow, look at the way it lets you shine.

Yuta takes a peek at his phone and turns off his alarm after seeing that he has around ten more minutes before it goes off. Sicheng doesn’t have to get up until later in the morning and there’s something extra peaceful about the way he breathes in his sleep right now that Yuta doesn’t want to disrupt it.

You’re very beautiful, do you know that?

Sicheng used to turn away whenever Yuta said that to him, because Yuta-san, you probably don’t mean it. You say that to everyone, it’s a habit to you, there’s no purpose to your words. Yuta would insist of course he meant it, because he said that to him on the day they met. Remember that day, Sicheng, when I couldn’t pronounce your name so you have to type it on your phone for me to be able to read it? Then I called you Shisei and you hated it for the longest time ever and didn’t tell me until you thought I was going for the host gig?

Yuta would also remind him of the day he called Sicheng beautiful and really really really really meant it, because it was the day I called you Sicheng, and oh my god it sounds beautiful when I say it. Your name is beautiful, and you, Dong Sicheng, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

It was the day you didn’t look away when I say that to you.

They say a person can change your life, but nobody could do it like Sicheng does, because Sicheng didn’t just change Yuta’s life—he came and flew him off into a vacuum and Yuta sometimes struggles to remember that he once contemplated a different kind of life once he’s done chasing his Koshien dream here in Tokyo: a baseball coach by day and an owner of a takoyaki place by night, marrying a wholesome Osakan girl (a teacher would be great, for example) and having a baby or two (girl first, maybe a boy later). In this current life he’s still trying to make it into the Yomiuri Giants regular team in Tokyo and living with a boy in his tiny little apartment.

Yuta untangles their fingers and pulls the blanket up to cover Sicheng’s neck. He gets up from the mattress and changes into his usual tracksuit for his routine morning jog then gently close the apartment door behind him.

 

 

⧪

Yuta was convinced that they had met each other in another place before, because there must be something behind the way Sicheng had looked absolutely familiar to him right off the bat—but nothing about their circumstances suggested that it was even remotely possible.

First, Yuta had never left Japan and this was Sicheng’s first time out of China.

Second, Yuta couldn’t speak Mandarin and Sicheng couldn’t speak Japanese (much).

Third, Yuta was two whole years and two days older than Sicheng and while Yuta went straight into the Giants’ Youth Training Programme right after high school and Sicheng went to the same prestigious acting school that Zhang Ziyi and Gong Li went to. Academically, they might have as well be inhabiting two different planets, but somehow when Taeyong ushered Sicheng into Yoshinoya to introduce him to Yuta, the earth felt like it shook for a tiny little second.

“Did you feel that?” he asked Taeyong.

“What?”

Yuta took a quick look around and found nobody to be out of their elements like he was. “I must have imagined it,” he shrugged. It still didn’t change the fact that he was weirdly really drawn to the familiar-looking stranger, because there was something suddenly hitting him in the chest and Yuta was pretty sure that he had never felt this way about anyone else before.

“He’s kind of really shy,” Taeyong said, in a probable response to the way Yuta kept trying to meet Sicheng’s eyes as he made conscious efforts to dodge him. “I mean he’s not _shy_ shy but like, not knowing much of the language shy.”

Yuta knew Taeyong from the time he came to Japan for a high school exchange programme with Doyoung and while both of them eventually applied for a placement in a university in Tokyo, only Taeyong accepted.

“You can’t blame him,” Taeyong said, “Doyoung got a full scholarship from Seoul Uni and pretty much a guaranteed future. That genius jackass.”

He had said it that way but Taeyong had obviously missed Doyoung a lot, and so when he contacted Yuta about coming to Tokyo, Yuta offered to be his Tokyo Life Coach. It was the most useless thing ever, Taeyong said, because Yuta was as clueless about Tokyo as Taeyong was and the only meaningful life-coaching that Yuta was useful for was recognising the difference between Kansai-ben to the standard Japanese and navigating the subway lines. Yuta claimed superiority nevertheless, because Taeyong didn’t really believe that Osaka and Tokyo could be that different and now you have experienced it, what do you say?

Taeyong’s reaction back then was similar to what he gave Yuta now when Yuta laughed at him for offering to be Sicheng’s “Tokyo Life Coach”.

“If this was America, they’ll be suing for plagiarism,” Yuta said.

Yuta’s relationship with Taeyong was usually pretty laid-back, but at that time Taeyong looked like he was ready to punch him in the face.

 

 

⧪

Objectively speaking, Sicheng has the kind of face that was bound to stay in anyone’s mind in spite of Yuta’s immediate attraction to him, so Yuta wasn’t surprised when Taeyong told him that Sicheng was here on a university performing arts programme as part of the Japanese-Chinese Cultural Exchange Project as a dance major, specialising in ethnic and traditional dances. Yuta was in fact actually surprised that he wasn’t a higher profile person; because he was extraordinarily graceful even as he walked, with his back permanently straight, delicate and feminine hand gestures, and small, measured actions. Rather than a celebrity, Sicheng reminded him of the geishas he had observed in Hanamachi, because there was a sense of antiquity in his looks, like some sort of forgotten art form.

(It had also reminded Yuta of an article he read online about Western people wondering if Asian artistry is predominantly effeminate in nature due to their perception of beauty. 4chan took serious offense in that.)

Sicheng also had a fascinatingly deep, soothing voice, and Yuta didn’t know what to expect when he had heard him for the first time. He probably had expected a more delicate-sounding voice, because the contrast between his voice and his anxiousness made no sense whatsover. Yet, Yuta found him painfully adorable and from the way Taeyong’s been treating him like he was a kitten, Yuta realised that he wasn’t the only one charmed.

“How do you say _I’ll take care of you_ in Chinese?” he asked Taeyong when they stopped by vending machine on the way back to Taeyong and Sicheng’s dorm.

“ _Wo hui zhao gu ni_? I think? I just said he can come to me anytime. Like, _you si qing lai zhao wo_.”

Sicheng laughed weakly at Yuta’s first attempt in speaking Chinese to him, and looking back, it did feel like that very first time they met would be a reflection of their eventual relationship.

 

 

*

The children passing by Yuta as he jogs outside Shinjuku Garden reminds him that the sakura season is almost over and he still hasn’t taken Sicheng to see sakura in Tokyo. For some reason, the crowd isn’t overwhelming despite the tourism season. They usually have to back off once the crowd in the garden becomes full due to heavy tourism and Yuta would have to promise that they still have time in spring to secretly watch sakura.

“We could come here with Taeyong and take pictures of him surrounded with sakura,” Yuta once proposed. Sicheng had taken a liking to filming stuff and uploading them to _meipai_ for his parents and sister. He had many laments about the Chinese internet, and took some time to warm up to Twitter and Instagram, but Yuta has never heard him saying anything bad about censorship. It’s the kind of thing they both agreed would sort of cross the line so it’s best to just acknowledge the difference and move on.

(Being with Sicheng opened his eyes to so many things he had never thought before and sometimes it makes him feel ashamed to have such painfully shallow dreams in the past.)

Though, despite the many elaborate plans, they have yet to be able to commit to a date and time, mostly because Yuta has been constantly training to be readily available once a regular slot is up for grabs.

“Yuta-san, liar,” Sicheng claimed shortly. _Usotsuki_. He still doesn’t know complex enough Japanese to be capable of subtlety and sometimes he says the most unexpected things, but it’s what Yuta loves about him.

 _I’ll make it up to you, ok_? He whispered when Sicheng reminded him of the broken promises and the cancelled plans yesterday. _A lot more. Baigaeshi._

_Baigaeshi?_

Yuta runs his fingers into Sicheng’s hair. _It means over and over again. No end._

Sicheng handed out his hand, saying _Promise?_ and Yuta hooked their pinkies.

 

 

⧪

The first time Sicheng texted him, it was in English.

 _I’m hungry_ , he said. _Do you want to eat ramen?_

Yuta was taken aback by the sudden invitation and was really flattered until he discovered that it was Taeyong who insisted that Sicheng asked Yuta for company. Taeyong was called out for a dance rehearsal (his hip hop dance crew, Madlife, was going to compete in a show in less than two weeks) and he wasn’t sure if Sicheng would be able to go back safely.

“He’s not a child,” Yuta typed aggressively on the phone.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t care for him.” Taeyong replied with a judging face emoji. “Teach him some Japanese too? He can speak a little now.”

Yuta really wished it was as easy as Taeyong had made it out to be, because it took him a few minutes before he could manage to tell him that he was going to take him to an actual ramen restaurant instead of just the kombini for instant ramen, even with his experiences in dealing with Taeyong back in high school. He really wanted to talk to Sicheng properly, because if he were to honour his words to him a few days ago, he wouldn’t be able to do that if they can’t communicate.

They were both quiet as they ate their hearty ramen and Yuta was wondering if he should thank history of the world for inventing English as the universal language or the East Asian history for making everyone in this part of the world use Kanji in some way or other. It was kind of painfully awkward even by the normal standard, and especially so for Yuta because Osakans are not known for being quiet. Oh man, he thought, silence is pretty terrifying. To his delight, he realised that there was something they could talk about, even if it was a little embarrassing for him to admit it.

“Er, I’m sorry,” Yuta asked in the most overtly polite way as possible, only realising that he couldn’t express his next question in the simplest way possible if he were to use Japanese. “Your name,” he decided to say in English, “how to say?”

“Eh?” Sicheng’s face was puzzled. He probably thought that Yuta would have known his name by then, but Yuta wasn’t about to tell him that he didn’t manage to hear Taeyong say his name properly and ended up saving his number under “the cute Chinese guy” in his phone.

“Your name, yes.”

“Si-cheng.”

“Shi-chan?”

“Si.”

“Shi.”

“Cheng.”

“Chan?”

“Cheng.”

“Shi-chan?”

Sicheng took out his phone and type his name in Kanji.

“Omo..” Yuta started using the _kunyomi_ but Sicheng immediately stopped him.

“No, no, no. _Si_ ,” he pointed. “ _Cheng_.”

“Oh,” Yuta suddenly had an epiphany. “ _Shisei_ ”.

Sicheng looked bewildered.

“Japanese reading.”

Sicheng looked mildly annoyed; Yuta thought that was the most adorable face ever.

 

 

*

Coach Matsumoto approaches Yuta after their warm-up to say that Kinoshita has been suspended temporarily due to ethics enquiry, because he was found drunk a few nights ago nearby Kabukicho and the team would need another pitcher.

“I know you usually play infield, but you get along with the team best and they told me they would like you to join. What do you think?”

Yuta tries his best to suppress his glee.

“Of course, Coach,” he says with hopefully his most composed tone ever. “I’ve been waiting for this—to be able to play, not Kinoshita being suspended—this is a great surprise and I’ll do my best!”

The coach grinned. “Isn’t it great, especially after you had to miss pre-season playoff the other day.”

Yuta’s smile fades a little. He doesn’t think that Coach Matsumoto is being facetious, he truly doesn’t, but the match between the Giants and Swallows was the other time Yuta was offered a position in the main lineup when their usual catcher Tsukiyama was out of commision. When Yuta decided to ditch the game, he truly thought his baseball career was over.

“Good thing comes to people who don’t give up, Nakamoto!” The Coach says as he pats on his shoulder. “I’m counting on you, but please be reliable this time, ok? Just let me know in case anything happens again.”

The Coach is only saying it because Yuta did almost give up twice. He blamed the first time on his frustration of being benched for years.

The second time though, as corny as it sounds, was for love.

 

 

⧪

Yuta had done some pretty crazy stuff throughout his life, many of which were still questionable.

He had climbed to the roof from the second floor to avoid being seen by a teacher because he didn’t want to be caught smoking (he had tried it, he didn’t like it much, not that it meant anything at that time with a cigarette butt between his fingers). He had shoplifted for something his then-girlfriend wanted because it was too expensive. He had ran through the train tracks while the train was approaching. He had pretended to be his sister’s lover to help her break up with her boyfriend. He had kissed a guy during group dates, once on a dare and once on request, because Sato just confessed and Yuta had to reject him simply because he didn’t feel that way about him, but Sato wanted a kiss and so Yuta gave it to him.

But none of those was as crazy as learning Chinese, because who invented this multitonal language that has no actual phonetic system whatsoever? Yuta felt that the kanji had really gifted the Japanese language a layer of classic complexity that he truly appreciated, but learning to speak Chinese made him feel like a full-blown masochist.

“But why would you do it though?” Taeyong was asking. “He’s learning Japanese anyway, so you being around would really help him. Why did you think I allowed you to be around?”

“Not because of my handsome looks?”

“Definitely not because of that.”

Taeyong isn’t fluent in Chinese but he knows a few phrases due to being around the Chinese students in his class, but even that wasn’t enough to bring out Sicheng’s personality. Speaking in Japanese made him sound like a child with his accented emphasis on the wrong consonant and the way he struggles to sometimes form a full sentence. Yuta had only heard him speak in Chinese once, and it was enough to convince him that he would need to be able to understand Chinese, because Sicheng became a completely different person speaking in his own mother tongue.

“Yuta-san, don’t be worried,” he once said, “you’re teaching me well.”

“But I want to understand you too,” Yuta said. “Besides, Chinese sounds pretty.”

He didn’t notice that Sicheng was flustered until Taeyong later pointed it out in a text message and reprimanded him for flirting so openly.

 

 

⧪

Their correspondences later were mainly through group chats and occasional one-on-one texts about phrases that Sicheng couldn’t understand. Yuta sometimes sent some questions back to test him and enjoyed his time watching him trying to find answers on Google or Weibo. But at times when he could sense Sicheng’s growing frustrations as he resorted to using bomb emojis to express himself, Yuta would offer to meet him up at a kombini and together they could talk things out over the instant UFO yakisoba.

One time Sicheng asked Yuta about his favourite place in Japan, and Yuta immediately answered Kyoto without a doubt while also realising that this was the one time he couldn’t ramble about his love for the city like he usually did—so he supplemented his gushings with the pictures he had kept in his phone and his Instagram account, and peppered his explanations with really quick one-word descriptions in English or Mandarin, whichever was easier.

Kiyomizudera, temple. Osaka- _jo_ , castle. Fushimi-Inari, red gates. And so on.

Sicheng seemed really excited nonetheless—the way he complimented Yuta’s photography skills made Yuta felt really good about himself and Yuta took the opportunity to tell him that they should go for a trip to Kyoto if he wanted to.

“It’s just about 3 hours from here with the shinkansen, you know shinkansen?”

Sicheng nodded enthusiastically and from that day on, Yuta would make it a point to introduce him to one Kyoto attraction a week, asking him if he would be interested. Sicheng would usually say yes to everything, but Yuta would make him choose, so Sicheng would mumble random things under his breath while doing his online searches. They usually ended up agreeing to go everywhere anyway, but Yuta loved seeing Sicheng discover things about the places he loved.

It was the kind of conversation that could have taken place with any foreigner, Yuta knew, but there was something really special about sharing his infatuation with Kyoto with Sicheng. It felt like there was a meaning to him agreeing how awesome Eigamura is, or how beautiful Kiyomizudera is, or how serene Arashiyama is. It was their bonding session, and Yuta loved the realisation that he went from seeing a nervous, uncertain Sicheng to a sometimes intensely animated and childlike Sicheng who got so comfortable with Yuta that he allowed Yuta to touch him—first on the arm, then on the shoulder, and before Yuta knew it, Sicheng dropped his sleeping head on Yuta’s shoulder in the train as they travelled from Yokohama back to Tokyo on a quick trip to see the harbour.

Yuta didn’t notice that he was opening up so much to him until Sicheng asked for his companionship to the post office to receive some winter clothings from his parents that Yuta realised he didn’t know much about Sicheng’s life in China.

“Hey Shisei-kun, so like, your parents only got to have you because you have a sister?”

“Yes. It’s law. People who break it get fined.”

“Oh wow.” Yuta had heard about the one-child policy but he had never came across someone who was directly affected by it. “I guess I should thank your sister then.”

“Why? Why would you need to thank her?”

“Well,” Yuta said, rephrasing his next sentence mentally so it would be easier for Sicheng to digest. “See, the law exists, and if your parents had a son first, then you wouldn’t be born. Since your sister came first, they get to conceive you, and now you’re here.”

Something about Sicheng’s facial expression made Yuta realised that he wasn’t used to having people discuss his birth circumstances that way.

“So Shisei- _jiejie_! Thank you very much!”

Yuta took charge in the post office, helping Sicheng with the forms and speaking with the postal clerk and he took the chance later during lunch Matsuya to ask him about China.

“Your family’s not from Beijing?”

“No, they are in Zhejiang—”

“What _jiang_?”

“Zhe,” Sicheng emphasised. “Zhe-jiang. It’s closer to Japan than Beijing is.”

“But you studied in Beijing.”

“Yes, Beijing-Zhejiang and Beijing-Tokyo, distance is the same. Almost.”

Almost naturally, Yuta jumped on a chance to ask him something he had been having in his mind for quite some time.

“You know, I’ve never been out of Japan, but if you’re willing to take me around…”

“Yuta-san should come.”

“I’m not picky about where to go though, so I’ll leave it to you—”

“Yuta-san must come.”

Yuta couldn’t suppress his own glee. He ruffled Sicheng’s hair fondly.

“Alright, alright. I’ll go.”

 

 

⧪

Sicheng didn’t really surprise Yuta and Taeyong when he said that he once wanted to be a doctor, but what really did shock both of them was his reason.

“They looked so happy stabbing people—”

“Stabbing?” Taeyong broke into a giant laughter, presumably at both the usage of the word and the fact that Sicheng knew it.

“—well, I thought they were stabbing people, with the needles,” Sicheng continued. “So I thought how powerful they must be.”

Later, Sicheng said, he wanted to inherit his dad’s business after seeing how successful he is, though that was quickly throttled by his sincere love for performing arts, and now here he was.

“Choose one,” Taeyong asked. “Dancing or acting?”

“Singing,” Sicheng answered, cracking up both Taeyong and Yuta. “It’s the only thing I can’t do right now.”

“We should introduce him to Doyoung.” Yuta suggested. He still has the recording of Doyoung singing Remioromen’s Konayuki on his “graduation” (only from the Japanese high school that he and Taeyong were attending back in Osaka, he still had another year left in Korea). The performance left such a lasting impression, it was featured in one of the highlight reels of the school’s greatest achievements.

Setting aside the jokes, Yuta knew that Sicheng’s love for both dance and acting really made a lot of sense and watching him perform made him realise that the rigorous discipline behind performing on stage was what birthed superstars like his fellow alumnis. Dance isn’t just going on stage and doing his thing, Yuta concluded. Dance, for Sicheng, is expressing history, bringing a lost era back to life, living inside the elements of the lores and the fairytales.

Yuta watched him dance one time, and it was the closest thing to intoxication he had ever experienced.

(Yuta doesn’t drink.)

It humbled Yuta, but it also brought Yuta back to his days of practicing popping and headspins and krumping.

 

 

*

Yuta grabs his phone and sends a barrage of the various love emojis to Sicheng.

 _Hey hey hey hey hey hey_ , he types, hoping that his excitement shows up properly.

He wants to type _I have something to tell you tonight_ but is too afraid that he’ll end up giving Sicheng false leads, since those kinds of messages usually mean that a proposal is coming or something. He knew that Sicheng knew him enough to not expect that—it helps that they actually talked about it and came to a mutual agreement about their future prospects plus a promise to not ambush the other when it comes to matters of commitment—but instinct tells him that somehow Sicheng would want something less startling.

He settles with _Guess what the coach just told me? I’ll tell you tonight!_ , knowing that it sends the right enough message across.

 

 

⧪

At some point Taeyong seemed to have found it appropriate to talk about Yuta with Sicheng, because one day when they were eating ice-creams in front of Lawson, Sicheng asked him a sudden question.

“Tairong said you used to be in a hip-hop crew.”

Tairong was what Sicheng called Taeyong (it was the way his name was pronounced in Chinese) and he was absolutely right. Yuta still kept in touch with the Nindo members, even though none of them really pursued dance after high school. Some of them went to take over their family businesses, some of them pursued some office jobs, some went to study overseas—the general consensus was that reality got in the way of fantasies, and because they got to live their hip-hop dreams in their youth, reality probably wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“Yeah,” Yuta admitted. He was just thinking about how much time must pass before he would have to disclose this to Sicheng—especially since he prided on the fact that Sicheng and him wouldn’t have met under any other circumstances due to their vastly different scope of interests. Sicheng didn’t seem at all amused when he confronted Yuta about it and Yuta could see why:

“I saw the videos, you were VERY good.”

“Well I’m good at baseball too.”

“But you’re like REALLY good at popping! Tairong said you could have been world class.”

“Well, I’m going to be a world class baseball player too. In any case, Taeyong’s popping surpassed me some time ago. Did you see the articles written about him? They called him the New Age prodigy.”

“It could have been you.” Sicheng’s face soured to a pout. “Some of the Madlife crew members have other jobs, you totally could have joined if you wanted to.”

“Well.” Yuta let the trail of his words end there. Truth be told he didn’t have any good explanation for not joining Taeyong and his crew even if he was getting a bit rusty from the lack of practise. It was just that—perhaps in his mind he had always felt like he arranged the priorities of his dreams in accordance to what kind of profession would retire first: a baseball player generally becomes useless around mid-20s, a dancer stops becoming competitive around early- to mid-30s, and you can own a takoyaki place forever. Besides, even Taeyong wasn’t doing it full-time; he still had his Comparative Literature degree to finish.

“Why?” Sicheng was pressing on and it made Yuta realise that Sicheng probably couldn’t relate to his thought process. Sicheng was a dancer by choice, majoring in acting and probably making his way into the artistic hall of fame in China.

Yuta took his time to deliberate an answer under the usual guise of needing a simpler explanation, but there was really no way of hiding his frustration and resentment.

“There’s you know, different trainings and stuff. Like I need to run and everything for baseball. Practise my pitching and catching. Dancing hip-hop is different, popping hardly does anything to help me when I have the baseball bat in my hands. It’s different from yours.”

It was a lie and Yuta knew it. Dancing trained his flexibility, agility, reaction speed and ability to focus. Even if it was as specialised as locking, his muscles have proven to be more durable than some of his fellow players and truth be told, he knew he had that advantage all along.

“Oh.” Luckily for him, Sicheng seemed to buy the excuse. “I can’t do hip-hop too. I look hard.”

“You mean _stiff_?” Yuta corrected him immediately upon realising the possible innuendo.

“Oh, _stiff_. Yes. I can’t do swag.”

Yuta tried his best to imagine Sicheng doing a rapper pose and b-boying his way on the dance floor, but his mind was full of the graceful twirlings he remembered from the many rehearsals Sicheng had in front of him and he immediately laughed at the ridiculousness.

“Ok, you should definitely stay in your genre.”

 

 

⧪

It turned out that fondness for dance and love for Kyoto weren’t the only things that Sicheng and Yuta had in common, because Sicheng approached his hip-hop dance trainings with a ridiculously sportsman-like approach. Their time together was already limited by the fact that Sicheng had his first performance coming up in conjunction with the East Asia Spring Convention and even though Yuta remained a substitute player with the Giants, he promised Sicheng that he would be a regular by the time this season was over, so he had no time to slack.

Yuta almost laughed when Sicheng told him that he convinced the event director that they should include some urban hip-hop segment into their performances to reflect the “exchange” part of the programme and actually broke into laughter when Sicheng said he had signed up to perform it.

“Yuta-san, stop laughing.”

“No, but, OH MY GOD,” Yuta exclaimed in English.

He was still weak against Sicheng nevertheless, and when Sicheng asked him to help out with those helpless puppy eyes because Taeyong needed to spare some time for his essay outside of the normal practise time (and therefore wouldn’t be able to help him train), Yuta felt like it was not within his humanly power to say no.

He was beginning to somewhat fear Sicheng and his power to enchant him into doing anything for him, thought he supposed that was Sicheng’s charm whether he intended it or not.

“Yuta-san,” Sicheng called when Yuta went to visit him during practise. “Can you tell me what did I do wrong in this section here? I can’t seem to make it look edgy enough.”

 _Edgy_? Chalk it up to Sicheng for randomly learning another new word.

“Alright.” Yuta initially was a bit apprehensive about opening up more to Sicheng about dance, especially since Sicheng was positive that Yuta could still pursue it if he had wanted to, but now that Sicheng was asking his opinion as a fellow dancer, something inside Yuta felt vindicated.

He told Sicheng that he needed to loosen his back a little, and when Sicheng didn’t get what he meant, he went to press his shoulders down and push his back.

“Like this,” Yuta said. “And you might wanna try feeling a bit angrier.”

“Angry like this?” Sicheng frowned.

“Angry like THIS,” Yuta closed his eyes, then opened them suddenly with a piercing glare at the mirror, then held up both his hands and started stepping into a krumping position. “Be openly angry, like I WILL CUT YOU UP angry. Like someone killed your family angry. Use your acting chops.”

Sicheng didn’t get it right away but he eventually got to the right energy level and when Yuta gave him a thumbs up, he went jumping at Yuta to hug him.

Yuta couldn’t help smiling—it was like he got a personal ball of sunshine. Who in the right mind would fault him for harbouring such fondness for this boy?


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 2 - for actual summary & notes please refer to main chapter.

*

across time, across words, across oceans

*

The Giants’ players congratulate Yuta one after another.

“You know Coach said it’s temporary but we all know that Kinoshita’s just waiting for this to happen,” says the center fielder, Fujioka. “He’s just looking to be sabotaged in some form or other. That guy just never learns.”

“Plus,” Kobayakawa, a baseman, chips in, “he’s not good enough to have all his extra stuff overlooked. Looks like you’re here for good, Nakamoto. You should celebrate with your girlfriend.”

Yuta fakes a laugh. “Stop joking, I’m still waiting for you guys to introduce me some.”

“I dunno, man,” Kishimoto, who also plays as a baseman, says. “You kinda give off the feeling like you’re taken.”

Yuta’s pretty sure nobody but Taeyong knows about the meaning of Sicheng living with him, and he’s also pretty sure that he has mentioned to the team once or twice about an exchange student who’s living with him. The thing is that he once did worry about having into come clean about who Sicheng really is, even if it wouldn’t be for any much longer. His parents and his sister would probably need to know why he wouldn’t get married right away, but that’s about it.

He’s not ashamed—no, not at all. He’s not afraid of loving a boy and he’s not ashamed of identifying as a bisexual. Sicheng is the best thing that could have ever happened to someone like him and he would be deeply ashamed to not be able to experience the emotions that Sicheng has made him feel, but prejudice spares no one and more than anything, he wants to protect Sicheng from the ugliness of reality.

Just like how Sicheng would eventually return to his glorious career in Beijing, Yuta would need to make sure he himself could settle comfortably in a regular position in the national baseball team and accept that he’s about to have all his dreams come true.

 

 

⧪

Whenever they went to Shibuya or Harajuku, Sicheng often got shady people stopping him to ask if he was interested in modelling—which had never taken Yuta by surprise. With that face and that lean body, anyone would be puzzled to learn that he wasn’t someone famous. Sometimes Yuta joked about needing Sicheng to sign every single thing Yuta owned because then he would be able to auction them off on ebay once Sicheng hit it big.

One day it took a different turn, because a fancily-dressed woman, probably in her 30s, stopped Yuta to ask if he was interested in being a host. She didn’t even bother looking at Sicheng.

“You’re a natural born, _ten’en_ ,” the lady had said as she handed him her business card, which referred to her as Suzy from Salem. “It can be a temp gig, whatever you want, just come over and we can discuss the conditions.”

Yuta smiled at her and said that it sounded attractive so he would definitely give it a thought and such, but Sicheng poked him for days until he explained it in full. He looked awfully unhappy by the end of it.

“Yuta-san is handsome but you shouldn’t be doing this.”

“What,” Yuta was startled by the sudden compliment, “you think I’m handsome?”

“No, no—”

“No takebacks!”

“I mean Yuta-san really is very handsome, very _kakkoi_ , but this isn’t right.”

“So you really think I’m handsome.”

Sicheng ignored him throughout the day and Yuta had to prod him into telling him about what upset him. Was it because she ignored you, he asked. Or was it because he was being too persistent? I’m sorry, Shisei-kun, it was a joke, I’ll listen to what you have to say, so you have to tell me, ok?

“Yuta-san has baseball. Yuta-san has Madlife—

“I’m just a _ronin_ ," a term Yuta explained to Sicheng that meant a “wandering samurai”, made popular by _Rurouni Kenshin_ , due to his on-and-off presence in the crew.

“You have us, you don’t have to do something else to fill time.”

It was at that point that Yuta fully realised the reason behind the incessant chase to get him back into dancing.

Oh, Sicheng, he thought to himself as he stared into Sicheng’s eyes. You’re a wonderful person with a bright future. You’re talented, confident and intelligent and your youth is an elevator ride to glory.

You’re looking at the stars while I’m eating the sands on the ground, and you think I don’t realise that.

He never talked to Sicheng or Taeyong about his baseball career but the fact that it had been almost a year since he met Sicheng and he had still not progressed into the Giants’ main lineup didn’t go unnoticed. Promising new recruits kept coming in and Nakamoto Yuta just wasn’t good enough to debut in any game but Yuta kept training and thinking about the characters in sports mangas who were benched for reasons and he wanted to believe that he was among them.

But the reality was that he was about to be passed on in favour of much more talented players younger than him and whether he talked about it or not, the odds of him being miraculously picked to be a regular wouldn’t improve much.

Sicheng obviously couldn’t say what he had wanted to say, which was why the text message he received later was strangely structured but Yuta could still make out what he had wanted to say.

 _I really wanted to see a passionate Yuta-san, and I remember seeing glimpses of that._  
_Hey Yuta-san, do you remember that day when you saw me getting the right vibe?_  
_I think I saw your longing for the stage._  
_Tokyo Dome is your stage, you were meant for it._  
_Yuta-san, please don’t give up._

Sicheng could say really heartfelt, intelligent things but Yuta had nothing to reply other than his smile.

 

 

⧪

Even though they didn’t mention it again, Yuta kept Suzy from Salem’s namecard in between his Kinokuniya member card and the library card in his wallet.

When it was announced that he won’t make it to the next season’s starting lineup as well, Yuta felt like he needed to tell Sicheng and Taeyong about his potential new part-time job.

“No.” Sicheng firmly said.

 _Why do you care_ , Yuta wanted to ask but he didn’t know how without sounding rude, so he simply asked, “why?”

“Because Yuta-san cannot give up.”

“I’m not. I’m just—” Yuta paused, thinking of an easier version of “taking a step into a world of new opportunities”.

(Truth be told though, he just needed to see if there’s a way he could get some quick money so that he could start a takoyaki shop in Osaka.)

“—trying new things.”

“You still have a chance to get into the main team. The coach said you have potential. You told me.”

“He said that to everybody who didn’t make it. And I’m not quitting the team. This is just temporary. I’ll keep playing and during off-season days I can work in her place. It all checks out.”

Taeyong was the one who eventually attempted to talk proper sense and actually succeeded.

“Look, Yuta. You can go get that gig now and risk getting roped into shady situations then have your ass kicked out of Giants permanently, or you can stay a bit longer and hang around with Madlife to release your stress whatsoever. 0% vs 10%, choose.”

And that was how Nakamoto Yuta saw the light unblocking the sorry cloud from his own mind.

“Man, I do really owe you one,” he said to Taeyong, unironically.

Despite seeing Yuta finally relenting and choosing not to pursue the 0%, Sicheng was still visibly upset for days. Sicheng ignored him and refused to talk to him about anything serious other than asking each other the standard “how are you doing” questions. For some time Yuta couldn’t figure out why he would even take offense, because after all, didn’t Yuta eventually give in to him as Yuta always did? He didn’t even think about the job offer as seriously as he thought he was, it was just that a wild card suddenly appeared and he needed some help from his friends to help him see what a landmine it could be.

What are friends for if not to crush laughable dreams and stupid decisions, he was thinking.

He would ask Taeyong to help him find someone who could translate what he wanted to say in Chinese so that Sicheng would understand him but the problem was that he needed to understand what Sicheng was thinking before knowing what to say to him.

He missed Sicheng badly. He missed him very badly. It was only a few days but his friendship with Sicheng would expire once Sicheng returns back to China and he didn’t want their last interaction to be that pathetic.

 

 

⧪

The silent treatment was broken when Sicheng texted him for midnight snack in a kombini and when Yuta saw him, he saw that Sicheng came prepared with a piece of paper.

“Don’t laugh,” Sicheng warned.

Yuta wasn’t about to—in fact, he was as impressed as anyone could possibly get.

He started reading off the paper with a simple apology.

“Yuta-san, I’m so sorry if I have hurt you.”

 _I thought I was the one who hurt you_ , Yuta was thinking.

“It must sound ridiculous that I got so upset after a small disagreement.”

_You bet it did._

“I took a few days to arrange my thoughts so that I could say this to you, and I really want to say that this is sincerely from my heart, so—”

Yuta felt his eyes getting larger. He wasn’t expecting that, but he wasn’t going to be too hopeful.

It’s not what you think it is, Yuta said to himself.

“—I hope you listen to my thoughts seriously. I wasn’t upset at you because you were actually thinking of being a host, I was upset because I really wanted to see you being free and not burdened by how you’re still not making it yet to the Giants’ regular lineup.”

Yuta didn’t knew if Sicheng understood the weight of the words he just said because they obviously meant a lot in Chinese, as his lips quivered as he read them and Yuta could feel something drumming inside his chest. He was emanating a lot of heat from the cheeks but he still felt cold.

Yuta wanted to hold his hand very badly.

“Tairong told me a lot of things about you that I wish I could see and he said you were like a sun. I wish I can see that, because to me Yuta-san is a warm presence that I cherish a lot.”

Yuta could see Sicheng’s face growing flustered by each sentence.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way Tairong sees you, and we didn’t want to see you wandering around like this, living life with no purpose. You’re someone I treasure a lot so I want to see you happy, even though I wish you wouldn’t call me Shisei.”

“WHY?” Yuta exclaimed. “I thought you were ok with it?”

Sicheng looked up from the paper. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

At that, Yuta felt his heart ballooning so fast that he could fly immediately into the night sky. So this is how it feels like, he thought, to have someone so sincere and honest in your life that he would do all these just to make sure you hear him out. To have someone with a heart so beautiful that you want to protect it from any harm. To have someone so precious that you feel blessed just by existing next to him. To have someone so innocent that they would take a few days off just to make sure they got their feelings across to you.

It was at that very moment that Yuta knew he had fallen in love.

He brushed Sicheng’s hand lightly and touched his forearm gently.

“Continue.”

Sicheng’s eyes trembled from the touch. “This is really all I have to say. Yuta-san, please teach me more. I will get better with words.”

He folded it clumsily back into his pocket and Yuta motioned for him to hand it over.

“I want to keep it.”

“No.”

“It’s your feelings. I want to keep it.”

They went for a walk around the neighbourhood as Yuta offered to walk Sicheng back to his dorm, having conveniently forgotten that they were supposed to be having snacks. Yuta kept stealing glances to Sicheng at his back, wondering if taking the letter would be a good enough indicator that he appreciated his feelings and he would like to reciprocate. He also kept thinking about all the signs that Sicheng had given him and wanting to hit himself for missing such obvious clues.

Yuta slowed his pace so that they were walking side by side, then gently took Sicheng’s hand into the pocket of his jacket while silently berating himself for not being able to say something meaningful at such an important moment. He had gone through his entire vocabulary of Chinese words but none of which applied now, and his trove of Japanese flirting lingo was of no use. With all his ex-girlfriends he would just tell them that he was into them, and then they could go on dates if they wanted to. But now words failed him, thoughts failed him, only the desire to keep Sicheng close to him stopping him from floating away.

To his relief, Sicheng interlaced their fingers together.

 

 

⧪

On the day Sicheng told him that his ears were actually asymmetrical, Yuta found himself staring at his right pointy ear for an entire day.

“It’s so pretty,” Yuta gushed. “If I look at you from this side, it’s like you’re a fairy.”

Sicheng had never loved attention and it was very clear even when they just started knowing each other, but this time Yuta’s fascination with his ear seemed to have aggravated his annoyance more, because he kept distracting Yuta with random things.

“Yuta-san, look,” Sicheng pointed at the Luffy hat when they were visiting a cosplay shop in Akihabara. “It’s so expensive.”

“Yuta-san, look, I want crepe.”

“Yuta-san, look, the maid is so pretty.”

By that time Yuta had already gotten Sicheng all figured out.

“Not as pretty as your ear though.” Sicheng went red at the compliment and Yuta took the opportunity to playfully tickle that pointy edge of his ear.

Yuta felt a little more relaxed in giving him compliments and showering him with affections now that he knew how Sicheng felt, but for some reason Sicheng was still really uptight about receiving compliments in general. He didn’t take kindly to “I miss you” and would instead just reply with a sweatface emoji. He also didn’t like the kissing face emojis and would instead reply it with only an ok emoji. Yuta personally found this trait of his only made Sicheng more endearing, even if there was hardly anything that wasn’t adorable about him.

One day they took the last train from Chiba back to Tokyo and Yuta took the chance to flop on Sicheng’s lap.

“If anyone asks, just tell them I’m drunk.”

Yuta could feel Sicheng freezing in his seat and trying his best to breathe normally, and he actually enjoyed flustering Sicheng with his affections. He could tell that Sicheng wasn’t used to being in love, wasn’t use to being the center of another person’s world, but it was all good. Yuta was fine with the fact that Sicheng was still getting used to him, because these adorable expressions belonged to Yuta at this time, this space, this life, and Yuta regretted nothing.

Especially when Sicheng moved his hand a little later to run his fingers into Yuta’s hair, and that feeling was special enough to make Yuta feel like a king.

 

 

*

Yuta thinks of all the possible ways he could celebrate that night with Sicheng.

i) They could go for a fancy restaurant in Ginza. If Sicheng protests, Yuta would just say that this is one of the many and it would motivate him to be good enough to play more games so that they could eat there more often.  
ii) They could go for a sudden, impromptu trip to Osaka  
iii) They could try to cook (and definitely fail)  
iv) They could do iii) then go to Ikebukuro for ramen

Yuta’s wild heart really wants to go for either i) or ii), but he knows that Sicheng would definitely want iii) and iv), so he texts Sicheng to ask him what he wants to eat tonight so that he could get the groceries on his way back.

The coach dismisses them a little earlier today in anticipation for the upcoming snowstorm a few hours later, but Yuta hasn’t received any responses from Sicheng, and unless he’s sleeping, Sicheng usually replies his texts within minutes.

 

 

⧪

Sicheng said that he would be heading back to his hometown for the Lunar New Year and Yuta said it’s ok, because he would be heading back to Osaka anyway, but it opened a new type of conversation between the both of them.

“Yuta-san,” Sicheng started. “Do you mind if I tell my parents about you?”

 _In what capacity_ , Yuta wanted to ask, but he thought it would be best to just nod. He was wondering about the same question as well, but he wasn’t going to tell his family that he was dating a boy, just that he currently had a really close friend. There would be a time in the future to talk about it but now it wasn’t. Besides, they had only started “going out” for about a few months and Yuta wasn’t even sure if what they had between them could sustain their eventual separation.

Plus, Yuta reminded himself, they hadn’t kissed.

“I won’t tell them we’re are… more than friends, just that you’re a very good friend who took really good care of me.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Yuta said, but he would be lying if he didn’t admit that he was expecting something more. He had never asked Sicheng about his dating history, not because he didn’t care, but because it didn’t matter to him. What really mattered to him was the fact that it must had taken Sicheng a lot of courage to write his feelings down in a letter and braved the language barrier to do so.

(Actually Yuta also wasn’t keen about sharing about his ex-girlfriends and that one boy who allegedly crushed on him for years.)

Nevertheless, Yuta was also hoping that Sicheng would also be courageous enough to call their relationship for what he wanted it to be, because it sometimes kept Yuta up at night that he was falling deeper and deeper and might not be able to deal with the fact that their relationship, whatever it was, was a supernova in making.

(He was acquainted enough with casual dating that it didn’t bother him about breaking up even if there was some serious physical attraction, but he didn’t want Sicheng to be one of those.)

On the night before Sicheng was scheduled to fly back to China, Yuta decided that if God didn’t have this in his plans, he would take it up in his own hands. Screw the Gods.

He texted Sicheng, telling him that he was running all the way from his apartment to his dorm and please come down in like 15 minutes and when he finally saw Sicheng, he did the craziest thing in his life.

“I love you,” he blurted out.

Sicheng’s expression was inscrutable.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He mumbled, pulling Sicheng into a tight hug. “ _Wo ai ni. Wo hen ai ni.”_

“Yuta-san, what—”

“ _Wo zhen de hen ai ni._ ” I really love you. I really, really love you.

Saying it aloud felt so good, so liberating, and Yuta wondered why he couldn’t say it earlier. It wasn’t just the timing, it wasn’t just the feeling—it was probably because they wouldn’t be seeing each other for around two weeks and even if it was a short separation, he wanted Sicheng to know exactly how he felt, because when Yuta wanted him to return to Japan with an understanding that there was a loving pair of arms waiting for him, missing him, willing to embrace him.

“Yuta-san,” Sicheng said, after a very long pause.

“Yeah.” Yuta nuzzled against his shoulder.

“I’m so happy.”

Sicheng didn’t say it, but he dropped a kiss on top of Yuta’s head and for Yuta, in that moment, that was everything he could ever ask for.

 

 

⧪

Yuta was glad that absence clearly made Sicheng fonder of him, because it was clear from the way he jumped at him when they saw each other at Haneda Airport that Sicheng really missed him. It had been a long day even before he hopped on the plane to Tokyo, so Yuta let him lay his head on his shoulder on the express train back to the city.

They were settling in silence comfortably until Sicheng suddenly took Yuta’s hand in his.

“The Academy contacted me,” he said. “They are actually really happy with the joint projects, so I got an extension to stay here for another two years until I graduate.”

“Here, in Tokyo?”

“Uhm.”

“So we have another two years together?”

“If Yuta-san wants to,” Sicheng said, squeezing Yuta’s hand.

Yuta took a long, deep breath and pulled him close. Sicheng was startled but Yuta comforted him by saying that there were only foreigners in this cabin, so they were relatively safe.

“Did you tell your parents about me?” Yuta asked.

“Yes, they wanted to meet you. What about you? Did you tell yours about me too?”

“Yeah, they also wanted to meet you.”

They broke apart to get to Yamanote line after the express train stopped at Shinagawa and right after alighting, Sicheng suddenly made a proposal.

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

“What?”

“I don’t mean we should do—I mean, I’m not thinking about that—like I just.”

“Sure. You might want to tell your roommate?”

“Yeah, I’m sending him a text now.”

Yuta didn’t immediately think that Sicheng was thinking about sex when he asked to stay with him—in fact Yuta wasn’t sure if he ever thought of Sicheng that way, because his feelings towards him all these while was all flowers and candies and bubbles but it did make him wonder if Sicheng had ever done it with another man.

Yuta though—he had. A few girls, not all of them actually memorable, but he did it with a boy one time and he was surprised to find himself not revolted by it.

He apologised as soon as Sicheng entered his apartment. “I’m sorry, I’m kinda—well my sisters are the ones taking care of the house, so..”

“I’m very messy too, my mother hired cleaning maids.” Yuta sometimes forgot that Sicheng’s family was loaded.

“So,” Yuta said, hastily putting aside things so that they could find a place to lie together, “welcome to this humble residence.”

To his surprise, Sicheng grabbed him on the waist and kissed him squarely on the lips.

“Why,” Yuta locked his arms around Sicheng’s neck, because he wasn’t standing straight.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.”

“And you didn’t bother asking if I was ready?”

“Are you not?”

“Not really.” It was true. Yuta wasn’t expecting Sicheng to initiate any kind of move until Yuta reassured him that he was really, really fond of him and they should really use the next two years slowly being into each other. This was quick, really quick and it made Yuta lose his balance and Yuta wasn’t used to not being the one in control.

“Great,” Sicheng said, bending down for another kiss. “It wouldn’t be fun if you were.”

With that, Yuta took his cue and pushed Sicheng to the tatami mat.

“I think I love this.”

 _And I love you so much, you beautiful bastard,_ Yuta thought as he nibbled at Sicheng’s pretty ear.

 

 

⧪

Taeyong described Sicheng as Yuta’s personal lucky item, because Yuta became so much happier and much more full of life, and he felt like he could like this brand new Yuta a lot more than the old loser Yuta.

Doyoung, much to Yuta’s dismay, agreed.

“What the hell man, you’re only here for ten days. You’re not qualified to make that judgement”.

It was great seeing Doyoung back even if he was still a smartass and currently having a senior tagging along him. Taeil had taken an unfortunate interest in Sicheng as well and the three of them, Taeyong, Doyoung and Yuta, were wondering if Sicheng was a peacock in his previous life.

“What can I say,” Taeyong mused, “nobody could have stopped that.” He was talking about Sicheng, his popularity on campus and the legendary amount of chocolates he received on Valentine’s day. Taeyong said that his looks were apparently very much the type that the Japanese girls love and his cool, chic, mysterious outer demeanor only served to make him more attractive.

“Even more than YOU?” Yuta asked Taeyong, who merely shrugged. Taeyong was really good-looking, especially because he looked like an anime character, but even that wasn’t enough to topple Sicheng’s appeal.

The conversations surrounding Valentine’s Day made Yuta remember what they were doing on that day—and it was apparently their usual schedule. The Giants had another friendly game with the Tigers and Yuta was playing in the starting lineup to allow the usual players more rest. Yuta insisted that he had to do well because they all knew what friendly games with substitute players really meant: it was about the quality of the team pipeline, and Yuta hated to be the one dragging the Giants’ average point down.

“I wanted to show that even substitute players are world class, you see?” he was telling Sicheng, who was grinning endlessly.

Yuta shook Sicheng playfully.

“What, what,” he prodded. “What are you smiling about?”

“Yuta-san is so confident, I like it.”

Perhaps this was what Doyoung and Taeyong meant about Sicheng being his lucky item—it was like Sicheng was supposed to be something that was meant to be a detractor, but then it ended up aligning you back to your original destiny and Yuta really couldn’t be more fond of Sicheng even if he tried not to.

Yuta promised Sicheng that they would celebrate their Valentine’s Day and White Day separately from the conventions, but Sicheng said they didn’t have to. “It’s all business, we don’t have to care.”

“But I want to,” Yuta said. “Since you’re gonna be my Valentine for the next two years as well.”

Sicheng’s face was visibly flushed.

“You know,” Yuta said as he kissed his neck, “you should really get used to things I say. Sometimes it makes me think that you don’t like hearing it.”.

“No, no—”

“Then say things to me as well. You can use Chinese too.”

“But you won’t understand it.”

“Then teach me.”

“I want to see your reaction though.”

Yuta wanted to tickle him. “I really like this side of yours.”

 

 

*

It all happens within a few seconds: the announcement of an impending snowstorm from the speaker, the loud whistle from the store manager, and the immediate lockdown of the store. Many of the shoppers are understandably outraged.

“I’m sorry, Madam, we are all acting under orders. The Meteorological Department sent an urgent message to all the news channels around Greater Tokyo, warning about an unusual movement in the air that resembled a tornado.”

“You’re making this all up, it’s not possible—”

“I’m really sorry, Madam, but we received word that the lockdown isn’t expected to last more than an hour and—”

Yuta frantically checks the news on his phone while urgently calls Sicheng to check on him, and when Sicheng doesn’t pick up, he leaves many, many messages hoping that the phone would vibrate long enough to catch his attention. Sicheng is making him really worried now.

“Come on, Sicheng,” he mutters. He still hasn’t responded about what he wants for dinner and now? It’s technically life and death and he desperately wishes that Sicheng’s just sleeping.

Except it’s 3pm in the afternoon now and if Sicheng really has been sleeping since this morning, Yuta really has more reasons than ever to be worried.

The commotion in the store gets more and more tense until Yuta feels the ground shake a little and the crowd goes silent.

“Hey,” he asked a lady next to him, “did you feel that?”

“Feel what?”

What indeed.

 _Sicheng, please, please, please, please_ , Yuta whispers a prayer. _Please tell me you’re ok._

 

 

⧪

The way Sicheng kissed, he had a way of making Yuta felt like he was going for his first kiss, but from the way he licked Yuta’s jaw, it made Yuta felt like he was always challenging Yuta for something kinkier and more dangerous.

Sicheng said he loved Yuta’s body. I like your muscles, he said. I like your thick arms, I like your abs. He loved it so much, he would trace his fingers down from the middle of chest to his groins and licked the trail so slowly that Yuta would grab his hair. Sicheng loved his bulkier frame, his tight butt and his shoulder blade. It’s a sportsman’s body, Sicheng said, and I love it because I can’t have it.

Yuta actually really loved Sicheng’s body too. He was very lean and very sinewy and Yuta wondered how much care he must have taken to maintain his metabolism. Despite the leanness, Yuta could feel his strength and flexibility and the differences in their built made their lovemaking sessions so enjoyable, next to Sicheng’s face when he released and he had to control his breathing.

“You’re so beautiful,” Yuta would gush and it was true. Sicheng was the most beautiful thing in his life and he sometimes wondered if a god was sacrificed to send someone like him down to earth.

“Yuta-san, you’re very beautiful too.”

“Really?” Yuta hadn’t really asked him about it. He just assumed that Sicheng would eventually tell him what he liked about him.

“I like your smile. It heals me when I needed it.”

Yuta took his hand and kissed it.

“I didn’t notice you needed any healing. You should have told me, I would probably send you videos of smiling or something.”

“Yuta-san,” suddenly Sicheng was choking. “You’re so kind.”

Yuta swept his hair away from his forehead and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll do anything for you.”

 

 

⧪

Because he made that promise, Yuta couldn’t say no when Sicheng eventually asked him about his romantic past.

He bared it all: my first crush was when I was in elementary school and there was a cute girl called Momo, but she liked another guy and then we went to different junior high schools and I forgot I ever liked her. Then in junior high there was Nao-chan, she moved to Osaka from Tokyo and she was the one who made me want to move to Tokyo initially. I kissed her during school festival—just a peck, nothing more!—but it was her way to get back at her ex, who was my buddy so we just ended it. Then a few days before junior high graduation, Akira said he—yes, a boy—liked me but I told him I wasn’t gay and stuff—no, no, no, I’m completely gay for you, Sicheng please don’t give me that look—so it didn’t go anywhere but I’m not done with Akira yet, we’ll get back to him. Then in high school there’s this girl I thought had a thing for Taeyong. Her name is, er, Mina? I think. Turned out she didn’t have a thing for Taeyong, she had a thing for me and she was very pretty, so we went out a bit and we did it in the library after school hours because she was in the Library Club and had the keys to the library. It lasted like a few months then we just chilled off because I realised I didn’t like her. Then Akira confessed again for the second time and I asked if there was anything I could do because I really really wasn’t into him—I didn’t say I wasn’t gay because I was indeed a bit gay for Johnny-sempai, he was this really tall DJ in my school and I sorta sucked him off one time—so he asked me to kiss him during a goukon and I did. He thanked me, but later Juri from that very goukon said she wanted me to be her boyfriend after that and I did, also lasted only a few months. There was another Mina in high school and I had a massive crush on her, but she later quit school because she got pregnant—not by me, by another guy!—and my last girlfriend was this girl named Sakurako, she was cute and adorable and soft-spoken, a bit like you, and that was the closest thing to falling in love before I met you.

And then I met you, Yuta concluded, and I don’t want to fall in love again.

Yuta didn’t know why he had said that, because he knew that Sicheng couldn’t possibly stay in Tokyo forever. They both knew that they were adults with different aspirations and different ambitions and their destinies were obviously meant to cross path for just a little while—

But Yuta wanted the rights to wish for one of his dreams to come true even if the universe wouldn’t allow him to be greedy.

He had yet to play in Koshien, but at least he met the love of his life.

 

 

⧪

Yuta didn’t ask for details of Sicheng’s romantic past, but he told him anyway:

There was no one.

“You’re a liar.”

“No, I’m being completely truthful. I was surrounded by people that are like me, and so I got really, er, used to things like that. Then I came here and I saw you—”

“And fell hopelessly in love with me?”

Sicheng looked confused for a while, but he understood it anyway.

“You already knew. Why did you ask.”

To a certain extent Yuta knew what Sicheng was talking about, even if he couldn’t express it, because he had seen the same qualities in people like Taeyong or Doyoung. Artfully creative people are usually confined to the quality of the beauty that they possess and it eventually bound them to a strict artistic code. Yuta took it to meant that by opening up to Sicheng, he made him open up as well and if this made Sicheng develop such an innocent fondness for him, it only made Sicheng more precious in his eyes.

“Yuta-san, thank you for everything.”


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 3 - for actual summary & notes please refer to main chapter.

*

across time, across words, across oceans

*

Sicheng finally responds and Yuta thinks he could cry out in relief.

_I’m still home, and I’m fine. The snowstorm looks terrible though. Are you ok?_

What the fuck, Dong Sicheng, what the fuck. You almost scared me to death with your non-response and you’re asking if I’m ok? What makes you think I will be ok when I’m sitting here tuning out all the frantic cries of the neighbourhood housewives and the worried calls by the staffs in the store and the children wailing around and what was fucking going through your mind when you typed that knowing that I sent you a thousand over messages or something wondering if you’re ok and not outside being—

Not alive.

What the fuck, Dong Sicheng, what the fuck.

Tears of relief start streaming down from his eyes.

_I’m so sorry I didn’t respond, I didn’t know why I slept through it. Please tell me you’re ok._

What if I told you, no, I wasn’t, I am still not—

_Yuta-san, I want to see you now._

Reading that, Yuta couldn’t stop himself from weeping. He bows to apologise to people around him, mouthing that it’s his girlfriend and he thought she was in danger.

 _I want to see you too. Let me hear your voice._ Yuta replies.

 

 

⧪

By the middle of summer, Sicheng was looking really terrible, face-wise.

“It’s not the heat, but I haven’t been able to sleep soundly. I keep having nightmares.”

Yuta had been hearing about the recurring nightmares for quite some time and Sicheng had staunchly refused to talk about it despite the various efforts to make him spill all about the nasty dreams. Taeyong suggested that Sicheng should spend more time in Yuta’s place so that Yuta could observe him just in case. Yuta was expecting more resistance but to their surprise, Sicheng seemed to like that idea.

It felt a bit strange to be spending nights together without any special reason whatsoever, but Sicheng didn’t seem to mind that Yuta asked for cuddles and then slept before he did.

“You’re very comfortable to hug,” he told Sicheng in the morning when Sicheng complained about Yuta sleeping too early and he had to close his mobile game before he finished them because it felt rude to remove Yuta’s arm.

But Taeyong’s suggestion did work, and after a few weeks, Sicheng looked a lot more livelier with a lot more sleep.

“So love is the key,” Taeyong laughed.

“Shut up.”

Yuta said that but he did enjoy being the stabilising factor somewhat. He and Taeyong actually talked about it and they suspected that the upcoming stage performance with ballet infusion in anticipation of the Russian Cultural Minister’s visit was making Sicheng nervous. He had been diligently learning every single new style of dances whenever required, because he was a man of pride and a man of talent and he wanted to prove himself capable of melting into any role and any style. Sicheng knew that his extended stay in the programme would demand a lot from him, he just didn’t know that it would need him to venture out of his comfort zone for more often than necessary.

Being a chameleon for too long would eventually take its toll on him, and both Taeyong and Yuta were increasingly worried about Sicheng’s well-being. Yuta noticed a lot more then he let on, but he couldn’t tell Taeyong that Sicheng was getting too skinny for his own good and he felt like he was embracing a shell of a person everytime Sicheng fell into his arm.

Despite that, more than anything, he was glad that Sicheng was at least outwardly ok, and that fragile sense of strength was enough to convince him Sicheng would eventually recover.

At that time, Yuta didn’t know that he was going to be a lot closer to his other dream and very, very, very close to losing the love of his life.

 

 

⧪

When Tsukishima injured his shoulder, Coach Matsumoto told the team that even though they could allow a few months for Tsukishima to do a normal recovery, they might also need to prepare for a few pre-season games without him, and up at the top of the pipeline was Yuta.

When he told Sicheng about it, he wasn’t happy about it at all and Yuta felt his ecstasy drowned out immediately.

Yuta hardly pestered Sicheng for anything, but this time he couldn’t afford to be patient. He needed to know why he was being irrationally upset about this. Why would you not be happy for me? He asked, over and over again.

Sicheng didn’t answer and Yuta tried pressing further on, but all he got was, “I dreamt bad things.”

It was a painful process, but when Sicheng finally revealed what his nightmares were, they were apparently all of prophetic nature: there was, allegedly, a time in another world where Yuta would be playing in the first pre-season game with the Swallows and they would win and Yuta would impress the media with both his good looks and the unexpectedly strong game, but he would meet an accident going home after the game because a drunk driver was going to crash into Kobayakawa and he had to pull him out of the driveway and ended up colliding with the vehicle.

Yuta thought it was all bull. Dreams, fortune-telling—all bullshit. He was usually calmer and more willing to slowly prove anyone, not just Sicheng, wrong (since his mother had her own foray into the supernatural when she insisted that a priestess once insisted that Yuta shouldn’t be allowed to eat seafood; he still wanted to find out who that priestess was and tell her that he grew up well eating seafood, so no thanks for scaring his mother like that), but he was growing impatient at everything (especially since he wasn’t getting anymore younger) and he badly needed a breakthrough and if this would be the chance, why shouldn’t I take it? He asked Sicheng.

“I don’t know, Yuta-san,” Sicheng’s answer came out like it was choked out from his throat, and from his swollen eyes, Yuta realised that the nightmares came back.

 

 

⧪

About a few weeks before the scheduled performance, Sicheng fell down the stage rehearsing a routine that required him to perform an aerial and had to be hospitalised for a week, and his parents flew from China to take care of him. Yuta introduced himself to them as what Sicheng had previously described—a good Japanese friend who really took care of him.

Sicheng’s father was a pretty imposing figure, and Yuta could tell that he was an esteemed businessperson as he grabbed a translator along with him to the hospital and made sure that he understood all the procedures Sicheng was going to undertake. Even though there was nothing serious (no fractures, no broken bones, just small trauma near the head and muscle pull near the back and he would be out in no time), Sicheng was severely malnourished and needed additional time in the hospital to be properly fed.

His mother was slim and delicate-looking, and Yuta could see where Sicheng got his looks from. She was very openly thankful of Yuta and Taeyong for taking care of his son and berated Sicheng for worrying his friends like that. Yuta and Taeyong both stumbled about in their attempts to assure her that her son was a great person and a phenomenal performer and this could happen to even the greatest of artists.

Yuta could only manage an alone time with Sicheng the day before his discharge and his parents finally decided to spend the night in a hotel. Sicheng managed a weak smile when he saw Yuta, but the awkwardness was palpable.

“Hey,” Yuta said softly as Sicheng took his hand.

“Yuta-san, I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” It was true. He missed Sicheng a lot; the animated, curious Sicheng. The quietly aggressive Sicheng. The easily flustered Sicheng who kept getting furious because he didn’t know how to flirt back. The childlike Sicheng who got excited over displays of temple restoration efforts. The beautiful Sicheng who graced the stage like he was meant to conquer it.

The Sicheng whom he loved and treasured.

“Have you been eating?” Yuta asked, feeling guilty for not noticing that sometimes the food in the garbage bin was left uneaten—he just thought that Sicheng was throwing a tantrum.

“Yes, the food is good but I wanted UFO yakisoba.”

“We’ll have it tomorrow, ok?”

They spent the night chatting about what Sicheng had missed in the one week he had been in the hospital and what they would be eating together once Sicheng got out. The nurse came by later to give him his meds, signalling his bedtime, Sicheng grabbed Yuta and insisted that he stay with him and when Yuta saw that Sicheng might be a little too drowsy to remember, he asked him a question, because he accidentally overhead Sicheng’s parents talking about possibly shipping him back to China.

“Do you think your parents would ever forgive me for taking you away from them?”

 

 

⧪

Sicheng’s time in the hospital worked miracles for his health, because he was glowing about a hundred times brighter and fitting back into the performance like a professional that he was.

“I’m not saying that I’m glad he took a much-needed break,” Taeyong started.

“But you’re glad he did,” Yuta finished for him. “Me, too. We’re practically soulmates.”

Taeyong was giving his final year project a finishing touch and was about to graduate soon, and he would soon be returning back to Seoul per his parents’ request, but Taeyong was also secretly applying for masters so that he could still be in Tokyo.

“What can I say, I fell in love with the city.” Taeyong mused, and Yuta gave him a fist bump. “If only he could stay longer as well.”

Taeyong was referring to Sicheng, who had been trying his best to convince his parents that he was doing fine, he needed no counselling, and he was dealing with the pressure all good. No need to worry, his two friends were taking care of him a lot closer than necessary, and mom what did you say to Yuta-san?

Yuta and Taeyong were often left bewildered after hearing Sicheng speak to his parents because they couldn’t understand anything since he was speaking in dialect, but Sicheng usually told the both of them what they were saying about him.

“So what did his mom say to you?” Taeyong asked Yuta.

“Nothing,” Yuta raised up both his hands. “She was asking me if Sicheng was being difficult and stuff and she said that I shouldn’t be too nice to him especially when he was being too harsh on himself—”

“And there you go.” Taeyong said.

When they finished their dinner and it was time for Sicheng and Yuta to walk back to their apartment, Sicheng suddenly blurted out that he wouldn’t be able to make it to Yuta’s debut in the big league because the date clashed with one of his performances.

“You know,” Yuta said, “my debut would be against the Swallows. I was just thinking about how maybe your bad dream had its merits.”

Sicheng’s face fell.

“It makes me happy knowing that I would win though, I’ll just have to avoid all the cars after that.”

‘Yuta-san, you said you didn’t believe in it.”

“Yeah.”

“Yuta-san, you said it was all bullshit.”

“Yeah, I did, I’m so sorry. I should have known better than to snap at you like that.”

“Then would you at least listen to me?”

Yuta stopped in his tracks and faced him.

“Tell me everything.”

All signs of colours vanished immediately from his face and Sicheng once again looked like the skeleton that he was a few weeks back. Yuta was starting to worry if there was any actual mental trauma behind this whole ordeal, because despite trying as hard as he could, he refused to believe that a few nightmares could cause such a stressful experience and if Sicheng would finally talk, he would let him take as much time as he needed.

Sicheng, though, looked unnervingly calm. “You see, there’s part 2 of the nightmare.”

“Alright. Tell me everything.”

Yuta was ready to hear the worst.

 

 

⧪

So Yuta wouldn’t die. The crash wouldn’t kill him, thank goodness. But he would lose both his legs and essentially ended up no functioning legs, so he would be given some compensation and would later move back to Osaka and went back to his original dream of being a baseball coach.

Being a baseball coach eventually caused too much strain on his prosthetic legs and he had to retire early and he would then start a takoyaki shop, but one day as he was taking a stroll, he saw a lady committing suicide and in the efforts of stopping her, he fell into the river and hurt his head.

Sicheng was close to sobbing by the time he finished it.

“It all started with this game and the accident after, because without the accident you could still walk, and without the accident you wouldn’t move back to Osaka, wouldn’t meet that suicidal lady, and you would still be healthy.”

This all still sounded like the most preposterous thing ever to be just a person’s dream but having them was taking a such a heavy toll on Sicheng’s mental health because he adored Yuta too much, and Yuta realised that he couldn’t fault him at all.

“Yuta-san, there’s also one other thing,” Sicheng was now starting to wipe his tears.

Yuta thought he knew what to expect, but he still didn’t want to hear it.

“I’m leaving Japan.”

Yuta’s heart felt like it was being stepped on by a thousand horses.

“This would be my last performance in this programme. My parents already got me my flight ticket back.”

That was the day Yuta swore to himself that he would never fall in love again, because after hearing that, his heart felt like it could never be whole again.

 

 

*

Yuta presses the screen to listen to Sicheng’s voice.

_This programme is brought to you by the the following sponsors._

It makes Yuta laugh out loud, and he plays the clip again and again to the customers sitting next to him (“I thought it was your girlfriend?” one person asks, but Yuta’s too happy to care), it’s instantaneous in its results to cheer people up, making the others start asking their loved ones to send them a funny voice message as well.

Sicheng has recently taken a liking to mimicking the lines he hears on animes, so sometimes Yuta would have to entertain Sicheng randomly yelling out KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU for no particular reason when he was trying to annoy Yuta in the kitchen, so much that they ended up permanently sounding like they were doing some anime fight mashups.

Thinking about it makes Yuta smile and as if a miracle just happens, the management speaks through the PA system announcing that the Meteorological Department has testified that the weather is now all clear and that the sudden inexplicable snowstorm had passed with no signs of returning. All businesses shall now resume the usual activities.

_I’m coming back now, so let’s go out and get some food._

 

 

⧪

Yuta couldn’t sleep that night, so he grabbed Sicheng close to him.

“You know, I’ve really missed you, and we should really stop being so cold to each other.”

Sicheng turned around to face him and let Yuta rest on his arm.

“Yuta-san has been, in my entire life, the best thing ever.”

“The best best thing?”

“The very best thing.”

Yuta missed them like this, bantering childishly and teasing him about the wrong words or the funny way Sicheng talked. Yuta missed those days about a year back when they were just foolish boys who was fond of each other but couldn’t find good enough words to make sure that the right meanings were transmitted across. Yuta missed those days when Sicheng wasn’t plagued by crippling insecurities or haunting nightmares. Yuta missed those days when being with Sicheng was all about discovering a hopeful side of himself that he thought was dead from all his diminishing chances at playing at the Koshien. Yuta missed those days in the studio, laughing at Sicheng’s attempts at swag and vibing to Chris Brown or tutting to Skrillex or letting himself loose to deep house.

Yuta missed those times when the night sky seemed capable of letting two stars shine, because now it felt like one of them had to die so that the other could shine.

He inched closer into Sicheng’s embrace and allowed his mind a fleeting journey into a realm where his star could shine along Sicheng’s:

They would be successful on their own terms, Sicheng closing the curtains to a thunderous applause given by a standing ovation and Yuta kissing his own championship trophy and the medal around his neck. They would be able to openly love each other, he would be able to get him a bouquet of flowers and rings they could put into each others fingers. They would be healthy and living life to the fullest and teasing Taeyong about yet another girl he couldn’t hold on to.

They felt so distant, so unachievable, and Yuta thought that perhaps this was the reason Sicheng’s name meant “memories of a city”.

 

 

⧪

On the day of Yuta’s debut game and Sicheng’s last performance in Japan, Sicheng asked him for the last medal he won and Yuta regretfully told him that he had it in a stash back in Osaka.

Since he hadn’t been playing in any games here in Tokyo, there hadn’t been any medals, and oh gosh am I not the most pathetic person ever?

Sicheng’s face showed that he would really rather that a medal actually existed, but since it hadn’t yet, he would kiss the spot that the medal would eventually ended up, he said. Yuta wasn’t expecting anymore surprises but Sicheng still managed to prove him wrong, so wrong that he couldn’t help smiling as Sicheng gentle took his shirt off and kissed his chest, then trailed his neck and when their lips met each other, Yuta insisted that they should kiss later, when all would be done and Yuta would come back as a hero who won the Giants a game and Sicheng would be the star of the night.

“We are not saying goodbye,” he said, but they stuck together nevertheless until the station where they need to part and Sicheng got out of the train, waving goodbye at him.

Yuta only had Sicheng in his mind when he was left alone with his thoughts with 4 stations to go, but when the train suddenly shook as it went through a swerve, he realised that none of the things made sense.

The fact they had met made no sense; it was like some dusty balls in the sky suddenly collided and messed up the order of the universe. The fact that Sicheng appeared right in front of him, digging out his old love for dancing to keep his dream for Koshien alive, didn’t make sense. The fact that Sicheng had to confess just when he was about five inches close to deciding that maybe it was all for naught didn’t make sense. The fact that he poured his heart out to Sicheng partly due to separation anxiety didn’t make sense. The fact that Yuta had never loved anyone as much as he loved this beautiful boy with an ear like an elf didn’t make sense. The fact that Sicheng had never loved anyone before he came over to Japan and met Yuta didn’t make sense. The dreams Sicheng had, his sudden fallout with the stage, his sudden breakdown.

Nothing about Sicheng made any sense and Yuta was so consumed by his thoughts that even though he was a few stations after the Tokyo Dome stop, he didn’t care that he could have taken the reverse route back to the stadium.

All he cared was the frenetic dash towards the stadium and telling Coach Matsumoto that he couldn’t play that night.

“I’m sorry,” he huffed. “I know I might lose my chance forever, but if I play tonight, I might lose a lot more than just a chance to play as a regular.”

He couldn’t restrain his tears, but they were all making a such a mess on his face alongside his sweat and he couldn’t be bothered. He had something to say and he needed to say it.

“I have some place to go tonight, Coach, it’s the most important thing for me right now.”

He had had all those chances in the past, and if destiny really wanted him to take the gold with the Yomiuri Giants, one of those chances would have stuck to him. Luck would have given him the 1% extra push but he didn’t get scouted into the Giants on pure luck. He was there on 33% effort, 33% talent and 33% perseverance. He would still have the 99% even if he forfeited the 1% given to him tonight, because;

meeting Sicheng and subsequently falling in love him with was 100% pure luck.

 

 

⧪

That night, Sicheng became a deity who was bound by to the earth by unscrupulous human who wanted him for his own benefit. The deity became tormented by the life he was forced in the strange land, became withdrawn and eventually died of loneliness. The ending sequence had Sicheng rising up to the roof of the theater only to be pulled back to the stage, signifying his struggle back to the homeland he was torn away from, and he melted into the floor.

Yuta felt an immediate pang of guilt as he clapped when the curtains were drawn. Did I take you away from your rightful place, did I pull you back, did I steal you away?

Was I the unscrupulous human that tormented you so much that you would eventually die of loneliness?

Sicheng must have been sensing that Yuta was overthinking, because he spotted him in the crowds and their eyes were locked in a kind of gaze that tore all his worries away.

“You did so well,” Yuta mouthed.

_You did so fucking well and I’m so glad I got to see this._

_I love you very much, do you know that?_

 

 

⧪

It was really late when Sicheng was finally released from all the handshakes and the greetings and the pictures and the interviews and Yuta was glad because he thought they should go for a midnight stroll around the city now that hardly anyone cared who they were and what they do outside on the streets.

They didn’t speak much, other than the occasional “are you cold” because the autumn was turning into winter soon and the cold nights were starting to get intense.

“No, not really,” Sicheng would say, but he would also steal some moments to huddle close enough to hold Yuta’s arm.

“I want to talk,” Yuta said when it got so quiet that they could hear the insects. “Let’s go to a playground.”

Sicheng immediately took the swings when he reached the playground and Yuta offered to push, but they still couldn’t push the words out of their throat. Only when Yuta could no longer bear hearing just the squeaking of the metal that he asked Sicheng about something that had been bothering him.

“Hey.”

“Yeah,” Sicheng answered softly.

“Have you ever thought of me as someone who pulled you back?”

Sicheng turned his head slowly. Yuta stopped pushing him and leaned against the metal chain of the swing next to the one Sicheng was sitting on.

“I mean, did I hold you back? From your dreams and all.”

“I chose my paths, Yuta-san didn’t influence me.”

“Great.” Yuta took a deep breath and sat on the swing next to him and let it sway softly from the weight of his body.

“Yuta-san, did the Giants win today?”

“Yes, they did, just like how you said they would.”

“Was there an accident?”

“Nope, everyone splitted up to celebrate later. As far as I know, everyone who could be accounted for are safely snoozing in their own beds.”

“That’s great to hear.”

“Hey, Sicheng.”

“Yes, Yuta-san.”

“Do you think it’s possible for you to not go?”

“What do you mean?”

“Stay here, stay until you’re supposed to leave.”

“I still have to leave one day.”

“Then let’s leave that for another day!” Yuta rose up and Sicheng immediately looked down at the ground. “I don’t even know what happened, I was just thinking about the day you came back and you asked to stay at my place for the night and now all sorts of things happened in ways I can’t understand and then you’re going away.”

“I’m sorry, Yuta-san.”

“No, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m very sorry.”

“I felt so unprepared, do you know what it means? LIke I wasn’t preparing to see you leave for another two years and then you said you’re leaving for good right now and I don’t know how to deal with everything.”

“Yuta-san—”

“You know, I really wish we live in a world where this is when I would be able to say that I want you to stay with me forever, marry me or something, but we can’t, we have all these between us and it has to be something as strong as this and I have thought of so many ways to keep you with me.”

Yuta didn’t rehearse it but he knew he would regret it if he didn’t say it now, so he allowed his mouth to lord over his mind just for this time.

“I can’t make you marry me, I can’t make you stay by my side forever, but there must be a reason that you’re here in front of me hearing me ramble right now and you have to give me enough time to be able to figure how to think of something that could represent something like that.”

“Something like?”

“Something like forever.”

“Why? Yuta-san?”

“Because I want you to be the last person I would ever fall in love with.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t bear having anymore feelings like this. It hurts too much.”

Sicheng rose and immediately enveloped Yuta into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry, Yuta-san,” Sicheng said. “I’m so sorry.”

“It hurts a lot, Sicheng.”

“I’m sorry, Yuta-san.”

“It hurts so much.”

 

 

⧪

Yuta was the first to wake up when the sun went up. He picked up Sicheng’s phone to check the time because his own had ran out of battery.

“Hey,” he poked Sicheng. “We gotta run back home, it’s almost 6.”

Sicheng rubbed his eyes absently; he was so adorable. He stretched his arms and continued to hang on to Yuta, refusing to get up from the sand.

“The children are going to school soon, we gotta go.”

That did the trick, because Sicheng later rubbed his forehead against Yuta’s jacket and pushed himself up from the ground.

“Yuta-san, come, let’s go.”

They were getting some drinks from the vending machine when Yuta suggested that they call a cab instead of walking to the nearest station and waiting for the first train, but Sicheng said he wanted to try the earliest train. They said nothing during their long train ride back to Yuta’s apartment, only exchanging one or two knowing smiles, especially in regards to how out-of-place they both felt, surrounded by either students or office workers.

When they did wake up later that day after getting some proper sleep, Sicheng said that he would apologise to his parents for wanting to quit his exchange programme early.

He had decided to stay until the programme would rightfully end, and from now until then, Yuta-san, I leave myself in your care.

 

 

*

Sicheng wakes up right after Yuta leaves for his morning jog with a nagging feeling that something weird is definitely going to happen today. He really doesn’t want to trust his instincts or his dreams anymore, because look how much of a disaster it was the last time he did—he almost lost Yuta.

He takes a look at the mirror and sees a sad-looking pair of eyes staring back at him.

_You should be happy now, I stopped the very thing you were dreading._

No, Sicheng thinks. You didn’t. I didn’t. He did it on his own. He stopped it. He came back for me.

_But aren’t you happy? Are you satisfied?_

Yes, I am. And you should go.

_You’re so cruel, Dong Sicheng—but I should have known, I am you after all._

No, you’re not. You are a different version of me. It wouldn’t be healthy for you to keep staying here. You really should go.

_You’re so greedy, Dong Sicheng._

You need to go back.

His thoughts are snapped abruptly when the phone buzzes at Yuta’s text. He seems pretty excited about something the Coach said.

_A-ha. He’s now a regular._

Sicheng couldn’t repress his smile at realising just how close they were to their breaking points just about a week ago, but now it feels like the cloud has cleared away and the sun has started shining back at them.

I told you, didn’t I? Yuta-san, you’ll make it. I keep telling you to never give up, and look at how well you’re doing right now.

_I should go._

That voice inside Sicheng’s head isn’t used to giving in. He’s often bossy, argumentative and manipulative. He knows everything, he can predict everything, he can see through everything, so him giving in and agreeing for once with Sicheng isn’t something he’s used to.

_I don’t know what will happen, but I feel like it’s time._

Suddenly, Sicheng’s filled with inexplicable sadness. I’m sorry, he says to the face in the mirror, that you lost what’s precious to you. I’m sorry that you have to kick me into fighting for what I love.

_I told you, this is the one and only possible time to make it right and I’m glad you did._

He loved you, you know. I can feel it.

_And he really did. I loved him too. Why do you think I’m here if it was otherwise?_

Goodbye to you.

_And goodbye to you too. Live this life for all of us._

Then Sicheng’s head feels it’s being drilled apart and by the time he regains his composure, his phone shows 54 missed calls and 87 unread texts, all from Yuta.

*

In another world, another time, another Dong Sicheng wakes up from a long slumber.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- if you made it until here thank you very much  
> \- i'm sorry for the last section  
> \- the next part with sicheng's pov will make sense of everything i swear  
> \- again thank you very much for reading and i appreciate your effort very much  
> \- i love you

**Author's Note:**

> \- i'm sorry i hurt both of them a lot  
> \- i swear i love them both they are babies  
> \- if you're interested in making nct fan friend come find me at twitter: [youkainingenjoo](https://twitter.com/youkainingenjoo)


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